they don’t tell you what anxious impulsivity looks like.
when people imagine anxiety, they always imagine risk averse behavior. you overthink, you’re deliberate, your thinking is catastrophic, and you’re always thinking through seventeen possible scenarios in which things can go wrong.
but sometimes you’re so anxious and things feel so horrible that you do things without thinking because you want the bad feelings to stop. you say something stupid in a group chat, so you immediately leave all of your servers and block your friends so that you don’t have to see the aftermath. you’re unsure about your relationship, so you break up with your partner out of nowhere or you wake up one morning and just decide to ghost them so you don’t have to deal with it anymore. you’re uncomfortable at a party with people you don’t know, so you run outside and take the train home at 3am without realizing how dangerous that is because you just need to leave.
your anxiety can get so bad that, in an attempt to feel safe and secure, you can’t predict what you’ll do next.
āThe low-maintenance woman, the ideal woman, has no appetite. This is not to say that she refuses food, sex, romance, emotional effort; to refuse is petulant, which is ironically more demanding. The woman without appetite politely finishes whatās on her plate, and declines seconds. She is satisfied and satisfiable.
A manās appetite can be hearty, but a woman with an appetite is always voracious: her hunger always overreaches, because it is not supposed to exist. If she wants food, she is a glutton. If she wants sex, she is a slut. If she wants emotional care-taking, she is a high-maintenance bitch or, worse, an āattention whoreā: an amalgam of sex-hunger and care-hunger, greedy not only to be fucked and paid but, most unforgivably of all, to be noticed.ā
the only problem with bottling up your emotions for years as a coping mechanism is that once you start getting therapy and learning that itās okay to be emotionally vulnerable sometimes youāll regularly find yourself on the verge of tears when you donāt even actually feel like crying but somehow unable to force a single tear whenever you actually really could do with letting it all out
me when iām trying not to cry
me whenever i could actually go for a nice refreshing emotional breakdown
Aries Moon: With an Aries Moon, the seesaw game begins. You fly up, high, higher, you seemingly take everyone with you with your bright smiles lighting up like fireworks. Fighting spirit, amibiton, rising up like a burning phoenix, you swallow your fear and muster all your courage and rise towards the sky. But then you fall. You fall and fall and it won’t stop. Why won’t anyone catch you? You look down and everyone looks away. Why won’t anyone do what you do for them? It’s dizzy. It hurts. You prepare for impact. What are you fighting for?
Taurus Moon: Steadily, slowly, you work your way up. Taking precautions, avoiding the difficult hurdles, you crawl out from the ground and want to reach for the sky. On the way, you reach out behind you, pulling other people from the ground, you nurture them, you plant your soul into them, imprint yourself into them. You don’t waver, you bear the weight of hundreds of people on your shoulders but you don’t stop. But you get slower. And slower. They’re clawing at you, demanding more, and more, they’re ripping out the last shreds of your soul, they’re dragging you back by your feet and you let them.
Gemini Moon: The Seesaw spins, you’re light in the air. No one can keep up with you, you laugh at them, you laugh with them. But they don’t seem to like that. Why? You get slower, you start going at their tempo, you start behaving how they do. They seem happier, happier without your tempo, happier without your meaningless emotions. So you do it, more and more, maybe you tried to fit on too much but you don’t want to give up other people’s happiness. Suddenly, they get up. They leave, leave you all alone on the seesaw. Why? Because you’re fake.
Cancer Moon: You find a lonely person on their seesaw, sad, lost. You join them, you start going up and down, waiting for them to join in, patient. Slowly, they do. You laugh, you both fly and sometimes crash down, you’re there to catch them. It repeats, broken bones, scabs on your skin, but you encourage them. But when was it time to get on your seesaw? When could you go at your tempo? You grow bitter, resentful. What’s great about them anyway, about this? You go slower, you give mean looks. And then, you cry. You cry an ocean and you wash them away, they can’t withstand this current. And then, you’re alone. Broken. Sad. Lonely. On your seesaw. Who will come for you?
Leo Moon: You’ve got the prettiest seesaw, the biggest one, you proudly show it off, you heartily invite everyone to come to you. You brag about it, about how fast it is, everyone admires you, everyone wants to be you. You fix every crack in your smile, you encourage everyone about their own, you find such great blessings in every one of them. And you remind yourself. Don’t show anyone the painted over cracks in yours, yours that nobody ever goes on.
Virgo Moon: Neatly calculated, every situation analyzed. You plan every step carefully, you’re going to do this, alone. But then, you get asked for advice, and you help of course. Why not? You help them plan carefully, you pour your soul into it. You show them what to do when you fall too much, how to get up again. Then, another person comes. They ask. And you help. And you help. Who are you helping again? The other person with the face same as yours? You’re falling. How do you get up again? You don’t know anything. You didn’t plan anything for yourself. Your mind is blank. You can’t think. You’re alone. They think you’ll be fine.
Libra Moon: You love seeing people laugh. You love seeing their smiles, you love their happy expressions, love getting them all the way up. It’s what makes you happy, what drives you, others call you a people pleaser but you don’t care, that’s a good thing isn’t it? So you jump high to get others even higher, you put all your energy in it, seeing them laugh energizes you. But sometimes, your legs get tired, you start to give in. But you don’t stop. You don’t want to stop, you don’t want to fail the other person, you’re responsible for this. Your bones break and your knees give in but you push yourself hard off the ground. If your misfortune is their happiness, you’ll gladly stay unhappy.
Scorpio Moon: You’re wary, gazing at everyone, guarding your most precious thing. You’re alone, lifelessly pushing yourself off the ground. You don’t want anyone to join. Others think you don’t like them. But you don’t want them to see. You don’t want them to see you when you crash down, how you curl up on the ground, when your whole seesaw crumbles, when you’re vulnerable. So you keep them at a distance. But if they cared, wouldn’t they come anyway? Wouldn’t they show they cared somehow? You begin to fall. You see it coming, the black hole, again. And you’re alone, again, wondering why nobody loves you. So you kick and you bite, you don’t let anyone near you, you’d rather be safe than sorry, you’re sorry for all you’ve done.
Sagittarius Moon: You’ve seen countless of things, you’ve tried countless of things, countless of people. You’ve made them light up with your explosive heights, with your energy, your charm and wit, your knowledge how to get around things, you got around and show off how much, you’re free. That’s what you say, at least. And that’s what people expect of you, at least. And you can’t let them down, can’t let them see you when you’re falling down, can’t let them know you’re actually running away, can’t let them know you’re afraid of showing any sort of fear, so you run, run even further, without looking back.
Capricorn Moon: Expectations. Your roots. What you came from. You were expected to succeed, to go sky high, to go to heights no one has ever before, to outclass everyone. So you did. Your fuel, your soul, expectations. You do what you’re told, you do what you think is right, which is what other people think. Expectations. Your fears. You look up. Were you always this far down? Other people praise you but you can only see what’s above you, what other people have reached, how much there is still to do, how insignificant you are. You look down and see yourself right at the edge, below you the void, other people, looking at you, displeased. You can’t go down. So you go up. You have to. If you fail, what is your worth? Only those displeased looks?
Aquarius Moon: People come to you, naturally. They see you doing your own thing, so independent, so different, so they join you, try to replicate you and you’re happy, you want to befriend them, imprint yourself on them and take a piece of them. You are every person you’ve ever encountered. But they start to slow, they start to look at other people more. Why? You’ve done what you could to keep them, you’ve done what you always do. You panic. You rapidly shake down and up, you’re out of control and can’t stop, so they leave. And you’re alone. You are every person you’ve ever encountered. And they all left. So your personality really is worth nothing, right?
Pisces Moon: You look at others. You want to be others. You want to feel them, you want to know how they go from the bottom to the sky, how they shift from bottom to the top so easily. You try to replicate them, you try to become them, you help them and become their roots in hopes of becoming them yourself. Why can’t you do the same? Why are you different? Why is the bottom for you an unescapable ocean, swallowing you whole? Won’t anyone come to help you learn how to swim, how to breathe, how to be a normal human, how to have normal ups and downs? Won’t anyone appreciate you? The seesaw game ends, at the bottom of the ocean, alone, while you breathe life into others while drowning.
Aries Moon: Your impulsivity. You’ve probably heard it a thousand times before, you’re probably trying to change it already but your impulsive nature often brings you into unnecessary arguments and trouble. You might even see this as a sort of strength, saying what’s on your mind, but you do not recognize how this negatively effects your relationships and the people around you. Being outspoken is fine but this turning into taking out your feelings onto others is not.
Taurus Moon: Your kindness. This might sound backwards but your inherently helpful attitude is your biggest downfall. You constantly offering everyone a helping hand makes you very observant to when you do not get offered the same. You usually try to tough these negative feelings out but do tend to fall victim to them and turn bitter, killing yourself with your own kindness.
Gemini Moon: Your facade. You’re probably sick of hearing about how “fake” you are already but this is not what this is about. Rather, you tend to put on a happy mask and deny yourself your feelings and concentrate on the ones of others. This leads you to self-sabotage and hinder both your emotional growth and your ability to truly connect with others. You’re denying yourself the chance of genuine human connection, but might even feel like you’re not even worth it.
Cancer Moon: Your attachments. You’re unable to let things go, whether it be people, relationships or objects. You latch onto them and try to do everything possible to prevent them from going and even after they do, you dwell in memories. Let your wounds heal and let your grudges go, it is unhealthy for you to live in memories and stay in unfulfilling relationships.
Leo Moon: Your fear of emotions. You’re constantly out there, presenting yourself, putting yourself out there and into the spotlight, but when it comes to actually talking about your emotions you suddenly turn quiet. You don’t have to fear your act fading after you reveal your true emotions. It’s okay to let things out. Nobody will think differently of you. Let others get to know you.
Virgo Moon: Your perfectionism. You are your worst critic, constantly comparing yourself, grading yourself, never enough for yourself. The sound of your parents echoes in your thoughts and does not let you rest and you do not recognize how much you really do, especially for others and how grateful they are for you. Your worth is not measured by your usefulness and the worth of others isn’t as well. Don’t project your inner anxieties onto them.
Libra Moon: Your indecisiveness. You’re constantly questioning who you are, who you want to be, who you want others to be, if you want to be others, if you want others to be with you. You make yourself unable to form an identity and instead base it around others. Don’t simply mirror actions and only let your shadow show in the dark. Grow your own wings.
Scorpio Moon: Your need for control. Don’t you get tired of constantly sabotaging situations and yourself just so you can be in and feel like you’re in control? Even when you know you’re acting irrational, you keep acting out to get the validation you crave. Let go for once. Don’t claw at things or open new wounds just to feel something. Just let yourself fall.
Sagittarius Moon: Your lack of perspective. You pride yourself on knowing a lot, on being open-minded, on being a free spirit but when it comes to it you’re the most close-minded of them all. You’re stuck in your own viewpoint which leads to accidental and not so accidental insensitivity and others thinking you are stuck up. Widen your horizons for real for once. Let others offer their opinion, consider someone elses viewpoint before doing or saying something, follow your own advice.
Capricorn Moon: Your inferiority complex. You don’t like to admit it, but you love one-upping others, you love rising above, you love fulfilling the expectations others and you have set upon you. At the same time, you feel extremely anxious and despair when you cannot do that. Your inherent need to stand at the top, to prove yourself, makes you come off wrong and standoffish and tears your self-esteem to shreds. Remember that you are your own person.
Aquarius Moon: Your egoism. You parade yourself around as a welcoming, friendly, chill person but in reality you are stuck in your own little world and are offended when anyone questions it. You’ve found out the world’s secrets but only apply it to yourself, you hide yourself in your bubble to not face your own faults and instead point the finger at others. Stop only focusing on yourself. Realize and admit your mistakes to let yourself blossom into the wonder you’re destined to be.
Pisces Moon: Your martyr complex. You see yourself as someone nice, someone who wants to help others, people in need. You want to bear their sins, to fix them, but while you try to do that you see them as nothing but things to project onto. You’re unintentionally manipulative, skilled in making yourself look like the innocent lamb. Stop trying to be the perfect human who never does wrong. Accept yourself as a faulty human. Use your love for good, not to validate yourself.
